No fat, just a phattie.

When you’ve got the munchies kickin’ your *ss, and you’re just about out of joy stick, by all means- call 911 for help. Just keep in mind, Mary Jane is not Miranda. One needs a light, the other is a right.

http://indiatoday.intoday.in/story/man-rings-911-for-weed/1/269736.html

DON’T YOU KNOW IT!!!

Duh DUH.
Be afraid.
Duh DUH duh.
It’s waiting for you.
Duh DUH duh DUH.
It’s a killing machine with no soul!!
Duh DUH duh DUH duh DUH duh DUH…
Watch out for THE KILLER TOASTER!!! (insert female scream sound effect here)

Now you know why Capt. Quint won’t order a club sandwich at Denny’s! Because a toaster is a bazilliion (give or take a nought) times more likely to kill you than Jaws. Too bad sharks can heat your Pop Tarts. It would be safer.

http://blogs.reuters.com/environment/2008/01/17/toasters-deadlier-than-sharks/

The Smoking Chihuahua BEFORE reading HELLZAPALOOZA…

Ig’nance be bliss.

Aaaaand AFTER eyeball-binging on our 450-page rock and roll horror manifesto…

“He did WHAT with that eggplant??”

You know what? When you give a horror book to three guys for review, none of whom like horror but were willing to do it anyway because either they were drunk or Laura Hardenbrook’s open love of the t-shirts they wore to Planet Comicon was irresistable, and they still give you a solid “B” on the A – F scale…YOU WIN!!

Thanks dudes from Tales of the Smoking Chihuahua for your efforts. Check out the funny, man-friendly podcast here: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Tales-of-the-Smoking-Chihuahua/225878444118924?id=225878444118924&sk=app_282096688512542

NOTE: Scott Meeker, the main chihuadude who read the book in toto, had this to say on the HELLZAPALOOZA facebook page: “I really did enjoy it! I was a bit worried at first that the short stories were one-offs that had no bearing on the rest of the book, but I like how they were tied in and referenced when all hell breaks loose at the concert. There were several parts with the RayJay character where I did a literal LOL, and I particularly liked the end note where your love for the region shines through. Nice work!”

There’s is not one jot, not one tittle, we can add to this. Other than, perhaps…well played, scientists. Well played. See for yourself what Mars has in store for their next visitor:

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2013/04/24/mars-rover-penis-nasa_n_3144656.html?1366792449&utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false

HELLZAPALOOZIANS freakin’ LOVE science. Why? Because it gives us the best monsters/doomsdays/zombies/cheeseburgers. Plus it helps us fear the world around us, which is kinda’ what we want to grow up and do for a living.

How fun is THAT, right??

Who knew Yellowstone was bigger, and potentially catastrophically badder, then we ever suspected? Scientists, that’s who. Check out this livescience.com link, then pack your pickanicka basket…but bring your asbestos jockies too, cuz it could be a bumpy ride.

http://www.livescience.com/28821-yellowstone-supervolcano-bigger-plume.html

(ps- hat tip to this site for the cool zombie banana pic: http://designinggeek.com/2012/10/22/spooky-empires-ultimate-horror-weekend-to-kick-off-with-zombie-walk/killer-banana/)

Wolverine learns new ways to use the f-bomb.

WE LOVE OUR HELLZAPALOOZIANS!!! So many thanks to the many folks who came by and came to buy! Your e-versions have been sent- so now you can go to HELLZ wherever you happen to be. WINNING.

Thanks for making this event so great. YOU ROCK!!

Bounty Hunters. With HELLZAPALOOZA. So much win we were almost speechless.

The first day of Planet Comicon is done. We sold books and t-shirts, and chatted with all kinds of people about all kinds of cool stuff! The crowds were ENORMOUS. But people were very cool about it, and it made the atmospher of the whole thing that much more fun.

Anyway, for more visual awesomesauce, please visit our facebook page here: https://www.facebook.com/#!/media/set/?set=a.490416581012023.1073741825.418073754912973&type=1

Day two, tomorrow. Can’t wait!!

Yeah, there’s something kind of funny about that bunny. I wouldn’t sit on his lap for a hundred jelly beans and ten pound chocolate duck. Dude, there isn’t a peep yellow enough. But hey, it’s Easter, right? So if you’re feeling all hippity hoppity homicidally, enjoy some bunny rabid movies, like the ones listed here:

http://voices.yahoo.com/best-horror-movies-watch-easter-5753378.html.

We here at HELLZAPALOOZA have a special place in our hearts for “Night of the Lepus”, because 1) it’s got Dr. McCoy in it, and 2) big ass rabbits eat people. “He’s bucktooth, Jim!!”

Oh, and if your favorite streaming video source doesn’t have any of those fine movies on tap, don’t worry. We’ve found a website with three of the grossest, most disgusting eggs you can actually eat. Can, if you find drool whenever someone mentions “head cheese.” yeah, that kind of gourmet treat. These are grosser than that one pastel blue and pink with the purply stripe Easter egg you hid that little niece Hildegard didn’t find and you forgot about for two months, yup- that one you hid next to the fridge and it rolled behind it and stayed warm for weeks. So enjoy.

http://www.odditycentral.com/pics/the-worlds-3-most-disgusting-egg-dishes.html

Happy Easter. Enjoy the horror.

The ‘Stones, but not like you think.

There’s nothing like a happy song to get your heart pumping and your smile shining. OR…there’s nothing like a happy song to get your heart stopping and your smile wrapped around a gun. Sheesh! Here’s a website with a list of the 7 Happies Songs about Death. Rock on.

http://audio.tutsplus.com/articles/web-roundups/7-ridiculously-upbeat-songs-about-death/

HELLZAPALOOZA puts fire in the sky (and in some places where the sun don’t burn…). However, Russia did the real deal with a meteor strike yesterday! In honor of that, Mark L. Groves, one of the HELLZAPALOOZA authors, came up with this list of 10 movies involving meteor-ish monkeybusiness. His comments about the movies are in the parenthesis.

1. Armageddon (duh).
2. Night of the Comet. (ok, it’s a comet. That’s just a sparkly meteor, right?)
3. Deep Impact. (because you’re in deep ****…)
4. Evolution (made in 2001. Don’t know which is a worse disaster- the meteor, or the casting.)
5. Monsters vs. Aliens (happy disaster)
6. Battle Los Angeles (technically not meteors/asterorids, but technically awesome)
7. The Misfits (ok, not a movie, but a BBC tv show that is/was mostly wicked good)
8. Night of the Creeps (again, not a meteor/asteroid, but LOOKED like one. I LOVE this movie)
9. The Blob. (do the 1958 version. You’ll be more satisfied. Sticky miniatures = happy)
10. Creepshow (1982. Stephen King acting in a vignette. Yup, that’s a disaster of end-of-times proportions)
NOTE – I intentionally left out the movies called Meteor because A) too obvious, and B) I ain’t seen’em. Rock on (literally)!!

Get a taste of the Big Borscht BOOM here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKx97csfPy0

Behold the glory of 3 Finger Romance!!

Shock-ingly perfect!

Congratulations to Ryan Wenneker for his award winning logo design for Hillzapalooza band “3 Finger Romance!”

As part of his winner package, Ryan gets a TENS of dollars prize list including: a HELLZAPALOOZA book/concert t-shirt, a signed limited edition SHOCK AND FLAW version of HELLZAPALOOZA, a super-sweet non-S&F e-version of HELLZAPALOOZA (in his choice of formats), a limited edition concert ticket to Hillzapalooza, aaaaand when we print the band t-shirt, he’ll get one of those free too!

Stefan Mumaw, Creative Director at specialty marketing firm Callahan Creek, judged the contest. Here’s what he had to say about Ryan’s winning design:

“A good logo is easily reproducible, simple in nature, illustrative in style and carries a concept that communicates meaning. A good band logo does all of this while kicking ass. The winning mark produces a conceptual and visual approach to Three Finger Romance, but it does more than that. When I listen to TFR, I hear depth and courage but I also hear an underlying playfulness that permeates the tone. Actually, I don’t hear anything. I’ve never heard them. But if I did, I’m certain this mark would embody the soulful angst described in the brochure. Plus, it will reproduce well across a variety of mediums, including silkscreened shirts and embroidered undergarments.”

See? He GETS it!!! Thank you Stephen for your expert help, and your sense o’humor.

Now, the first place was almost a tie. So, as a thanks for all the hard work that went into our runner-up’s work, we’ll send a signed S&F edition of the book to Max Bravo of Max Bravo Designs out of Chicago, who sent us this delightful presentation:

Tellin’ it like it is, yoh.

Huh. We think we see a theme here…SHOCKING, AIN’T IT???

Seven entries went in, but only one could come out. Thanks to all who joined, and congrats to our winner. BTW- Lenny, Rango, and Lil J.O. want to give their “totes thx” to all who entered, too. They look forward to giving the winner a shout-out on their next album, which is currently being recorded in the studio (Rango’s basement). It’s tentatively titled “Bumrush.”

Now go raise some HELLZ!!!!

We’ve had the fortunate fun of having chapter 1 of “HELLZAPALOOZA The Best Damned Rock Show Ever!” included in this crazy culty cool package: Johnny Dead’s Trash Box Volume 1.

http://bloodsuckinggeek.com/jonny-deads-trash-box-volume-1-released/

Not only are we surrounded by such greats as the movies “Driller Killer” and “Naked Massacre”, we also share company with horror comics, cheesy commercials, and evil movie trailers. WINNING!

Check out Johnny’s take on our inclusion: “Also, thanks to Magnificent Cowlick Media, the first chapter of Hellzapalooza is included in a pdf to give you a glimpse of the new horror novel (it’s a pretty killer first chapter, too).”

Thank YOU, Johnny D. Viva la TRASH!!!!

GREAT NEWS, OH DIGITAL GURU DESIGNER ARTSY TYPES!

HELLZAPALOOZA just got the “Sure, what the heck, I’ll do it!” from Stefan Mumaw, Ceative Director for Callahan Creek Advertising Agency, to be our main judge for the “3 Finger Romance” band logo contest! WOOT!!

Stefan’s a 16-year pro veteran, has done work for Pioneer, Sony, Coca-Cola and Hurley, plus he’s written 5 books of his own- check them out here: http://www.amazon.com/Stefan-Mumaw/e/B001JRZ3AU

He’s a motivational/creative presenter, a national HOW Design Conference speaker, and is funny on top of it all. Since part of his job title is “Purveyor of All That Rocks,” he’s gonna rock this contest!!

Yup- that means your design work will not only be seen by horror writers, gore enthusiasts, and metal/accordion heads- it’ll be judged by somebody who uses talented folks like YOU!

The rules are easy- and right here:

The HELLZAPALOOZA gang needs a logo for one of the bands appearing “Hillzapalooza.” We want to make some band t-shirts and cool chachskis, and need a cool-as-HELLZ logo. But we’re also writers, which means we got diddly for cash. SO HERE’S THE DEAL:

IT’S A CONTEST!!!

THE PRIZE PACKAGE: A HELLZAPALOOZA t-shirt, a signed limited SHOCK AND FLAW edition book of HELLZAPALOOZA, a super-sweet non-S&F e-version of HELLZAPALOOZA, a limited edition concert ticket to Hillzapalooza, aaaaand when we print the band t-shirt, you’ll get one free too!

THE BAND: Three Finger Romance!! (band description here: http://hellzapalooza.com/?page_id=26)

THE BAND’S LATEST ALBUM: “Bizness Up Front, Party In The Rear”

TO WIN: Design a simple logo, max 3 colors, for “Three Finger Romance.” Run with it. Have fun. Then submit a jpg of it to rayjayconcerts at hotmail dot com. The judges will pick a winner from the entries, and badabing badaboom we’re on our way!

THE TIME: Cut off for entries is January 11th, judging done by January 18th.

Of course, we’ll make a major brewhaha for the winning design! So- bring it ON!! Please

Oh please oh please oh PLLLEEEAAASSE stop by this website….

…and read this review: http://www.bloodsprayer.com/reviews/bang-your-head-a-review-of-hellzapalooza-the-best-damned-rock-show-ever/

Some excerpts:

“Let me tell you, readers…this book ROCKED me, pun gloriously intended.”

“I really tremendously enjoyed it from beginning to end, and recommend it to everyone who reads the Blood Sprayer without hesitation or reservation. Read. This. Book.”

Thank you Mr. Malinger for 1) accepting our book for review, and 2) taking the time to read it stem to stern. That’s 450 pages of effort, and it’s appreciated. Viva la horror!!

After reading it, don’t forget to check out our special gift offer at http://shop.magnificentcowlickmedia.com/!!!

ARTISTY-FRIENDS (OR ARTISTY-FRIENDS OF FRIENDS)- LISTEN UP!

The HELLZAPALOOZA gang needs a logo for one of the bands appearing “Hillzapalooza.” We want to make some band t-shirts and cool chachskis, and need a cool-as-HELLZ logo. But we’re also writers, which means we got diddly for cash. SO HERE’S THE DEAL:

IT’S A CONTEST!!!

THE PRIZE PACKAGE: A HELLZAPALOOZA t-shirt, a signed limited SHOCK AND FLAW edition book of HELLZAPALOOZA, a super-sweet non-S&F e-version of HELLZAPALOOZA, a limited edition concert ticket to Hillzapalooza, aaaaand when we print the band t-shirt, you’ll get one free too!

THE BAND: Three Finger Romance!! (band description here: http://hellzapalooza.com/?page_id=26)

THE BAND’S LATEST ALBUM: “Bizness Up Front, Party In The Rear”

TO WIN: Design a simple logo, max 3 colors, for “Three Finger Romance.” Run with it. Have fun. Then submit a jpg of it to rayjayconcerts at hotmail dot com. The judges will pick a winner from the entries, and badabing badaboom we’re on our way!

THE TIME: Cut off for entries is January 11th, judging done by January 18th.

Of course, we’ll make a major brewhaha for the winning design! So- bring it ON!! Please.